Movie Time

Mike invited Joe and me to a movie, and it was really good and we...

...wait, I mean...

Mike invited us to a movie and just as the exposition of the movie came into full effect Mike yelled out the ending at the movie theater, throwing his extra large drink at the screen as he walked out of the theater with his hands raised in victory, like he had just shot the winning 3 point basket in the NBA play-offs.

Mike Wachs Hates Babies

And Black people.

Cold Cold Water

Mike Wachs didn't invite me to Barton Springs.

Karaoke

Mike once sang every song I didn't know at Marie's Karaoke Party just to prove that he's having more fun than me.

Also, Mike has a blog he doesn't tell of his friends about except for his (SECRET FRIENDS).

Young Mike Wachs Crushes Crushes

Mike Wachs REFUSED to kiss me even though I was wearing my strawberry short cake lipsmacker that I bought just for him.

[Posted on behalf of Rachel Holland Ouillette.]

Mike Wachs is Responsible for the Humidity Today.

Table for One: Update

I take it back. Mike Wachs asked me out for lunch today. We went to Hut's, which left me in a food coma. Kinda wish we had gone to Wahoo's. It's cheaper and wouldn't have left me regretting eating so much. But nooooooo. Mike had had mexican for the past three meals. That's a celebration, not a problem. And he had tacos for breakfast. Lucky bastard. Wait, he was really hungry at lunch. I bet he didn't even have breakfast. Such unhealthy habbits. Come to think of it, the only reason he asked me out to lunch was because he read the post. He wouldn't have asked if it weren't for this blog. I'm taking back my take-back. Mike Wachs, the meal today meant nothing.

And I'm pretty sure you pushed my drink over.

Frienemies

Mike has a lot of friends that do things. Musicians and artists, there's usually some thing going on that is near and dear to a friend's heart. Even Mike will have an endeavor, such as a series of cocktail parties that a particular friend may go to almost every one, and show up promptly and punctually every time he does.

Mike Wachs, however, is not one to give.

Last night, I was playing a music show with David Israel and the Platelet at beerland. Mike likes David, and our friend Carolyn is also in the band. That means there are three times as many people invested in this music show than who were invested in mike's themed cocktail parties.
Guess who didn't show up.

Guess who called him, and pleaded with him, albeit while inebriated, to come support us and what we were doing to express ourselves.

"Yawn," is what I heard, before my friendship with Mike ended.

[published on behalf of CVC.]

Table for One

Mike Wachs seems to be big on lunching with people. Seems to do it everyday. He never calls me. I've only been with him twice, once was when I invited myself while sick, and the other was when I overheard Andrew and him talking about lunch and invited myself once again. Mike Wachs, why do you hate me so much? Let's do lunch? Call me? Please.

Boys of Summer

Mike once threw a ceramic baseball full of hornets at me one time.

Mike Wachs gave me this great date idea: buy a putter at a thrift store, get some golf balls and a flashlight, and go to an abandoned golf course. Not a bad idea.

What he forgot to include was the part about all of the holes not having a border around the green. It was chaos. The balls went into the bushes and there was rebar sticking up everywhere. My date stubbed her toe at least a dozen times. Real romantic, Mike. Come to think of it, he didn’t even tell me about the date idea, Joe had to tell me.

So Mike, Thanks for nothing.

Showcase Showdown's 5th Birthday

While Mike's hatred for Showcase Showdown is old news, he has yet to call me and wish Showcase a happy 5th birthday.

I bet Mike is having a secret celebration. He is probably thinking, "The more birthdays he has, the closer he is to death."

Mike wants my dog to die.

You'll See a Dentist

Mike recommended a dentist to one of our friends.

He didn't recommend him to me.

I haven't been to the dentist in 6 years.

Why does Mike Wachs (Wax) hate my teeth?

Mike destroys my ambition

Mike should change his name from Mike Wachs to Mike Wax. This would be both for comic effect and as a fresh start now that he has resettled in Austin.

While I have not told him about this fantastic idea, he probably won't do it anyway. Sometimes I don't even know why I try...

Pictured on the left is a real Mike Wax. Maybe he would be my friend.

Toilet

I went with Mike and Charles to Pizza Hunt. When Charles was finished and we were trying to leave, I asked Mike if he needed a lift* to his house. This was a friendly jesture to both Mike and Charles. Charles had David Israel practice soon, he had expressed interest in not wanting to go up North then all the way back, and most of all really needing to take a shit.

Since I was driving by Mike's place anyways I offered him a ride.

MIKE DECLINED.

Mike would rather have Charles waste gas money, kill the earth, and stink up his apartment with shit instead of accepting a ride from me.

Thanks Mike.

*Mike feels that effort in driving himself anywhere is clearly below him, and longs for the days of indentured servants to return so that he may take his rightful place at the top of the social hierarchy.

BTW...

That's how Mike Wachs looks into the mirror everyday stating "It's good to hate!" followed by a giant wolf-like smile.

Barton Springs

Charles called me this morning. I'm pretty sure Mike told him to call me for a couple reasons. The first being to wake me up because he knew I was getting to the sex parts of my dreams, a secret I confessed to him that I now completely regret and that he uses to his sick ways to prevent me from getting any guilt free sex. The second being to invite me to Barton Springs.

The thing about Barton Springs is that it's too cold; and Mike knows this. Mike invites me through Charles. I ask Charles why we don't just swim at my pool which isn't the temperature of a glacier and is free. Charles says that Mike is meeting his (SECRET FRIEND) at Barton Springs. What this means is that Mike swims in a wrestling outfit. Mike does this so he won't appear cold. He's bringing me and Charles along to emphasis his masculinity in front of his (SECRET FRIEND) by pointing out what pussies we are because although (at least in my case) covered in fur they can't handle the water like he can.

But most of all because he knows I hate Barton Springs.

Notes on Mike Pt. 1

Mike is kind of like art. As much as you want to get involved, be creative, and say something, at the end of the day Art like Mike, is just a cruel cruel mistress. Cut your loses and sell your paints, because Mike Wachs doesn't love you either.

Marie Butcher once said about Mike, "Beauty is the beginning of terror which we are still just able to endure, and we are so awed when it serenely disdains to annihilate us."

Most Recent

I asked Mike a question.

Mike said "It doesn't matter what I say you're just going to disagree with me."

I said "No I won't."

And he just slapped me.

04/09/08

He is all business.

04/04/08 (Abbreviated List of Grievances)

Invited secret friends to my birthday party.
Bought me Hot Damn, not Hot Damn 100.
Made me feel awkward about not wanting to pay for my Birthday Dinner.
Was not involved in the intricate plan of crowd surfing me throughout the room.
He shaved his beard because he hates that we have facial hair.
He cut his hair even though I have told him repeatedly that it looks good longer.
Did not come to Katz's with me (even though it was my birthday).
He hated that we questioned why he gave his lady accomplice (secret friend) a man's jacket while he opted for a women's sweater.

When presented with this blog, he didn't attempt to deny any of my theories.

Everytime I try to eat

Every time I call Mike, I'm like "Hey Mike, want to get something to eat?" and he's like "Yeah, maybe, sure... wait which Will is this?" and I'm like "Will Sellari" and he's like "Oh, no. I mean, I just ate like 10 sandwiches" and I'm like "What the fuck Mike?" and he's like "What? Why are you being such and asshole? Do you want me to gag myself? Would that make you happy Will?" and I'm like "YES!" and he just hangs up the phone.

*wonderful photo by Elana

04/04/08

I finally talked to him on the phone. He was uninterested in planning any of my birthday festivities. I guess we will just have to wait and see if he even shows up.

04/04/08

It is my birthday and he hasn't called to wish me good cheer.

Almost 04/04/08

I skipped out on drinking at Beerland (lame) to go to Terror Thursday screening of Forbidden World. Before the movie I stopped and had a quick drink with my friends. Mike seemed upset that I was leaving to see the movie, but not as upset as everyone else. I think he was faking it.

04/03/08

He was supposed to call me this morning at 10:30. However, I have not received a call.

04/02/08

He went home at around 9PM last night (I drank til 2). Isn't that a little too early?

04/01/08

We were going to power lunch and he seemed a bit upset that I wanted to go to P Terry's (not Wahoo's). It was awkward.